Via reckless cavorting about the Internet, I happened upon one of the most remarkably imaginative (and simultaneously asinine) websites I have ever seen. Ready Kids (also click on the picture for the link to fully experience my ever-expanding mastery of Xanga functions), as the site is aptly named, is the product of our very own U.S. government, and strives to teach this nation's young about the no less than seven natural disasters that will inevitably befall them, ruining their chances at a bright future, destroying the life they now hold dear, and killing both of their parents...and brand new puppy. These disasters are, in order of increasing importance and likelihood, tornadoes, earthquakes, fire emergencies, flooding, tsunamis, hurricanes, and of course the Fat Daddy of ALL NATURAL DISASTERS EVER...terrorism. I can see the ad campaign now:

TERRORISM: Yeah, it sucks, but it's just going to happen...

Honestly, the most interesting part of this list was that it explained the root of each word. Take earthquake being spelled "eorthequakynge" in the 12th century for example. I mean, did you know that up until about 800 years ago the English-speaking world was made up entirely of dyslexic third graders? Absolutely fascinating!

Apart from the overwhelming urge to give up my right to privacy, the homepage, with its exotic colors and cartoony font, instilled in me the deep desire to learn more about safety, and under Bush's nuanced worldview of "Them's the bad guys, we's the good guys...le's git 'em!" the true lack thereof. In a stroke of creative genius the creators of this site decided that it was best to leave the preparedness and ultimate well being of America's youth in the paws of a family of anthropomorphized mountain lions. A friggin' + on that one people. The family is made up of Rex, the father, Purrcilla (clever puns have never been bureaucracy's forte...they're acronym kinda guys), the mother, and Rory (a fittingly bigendered name for an equally bigendered creature), the daughter(?) Not only does each member of the family have a personal profile and backstory, but in avidly reading each I learned that apparently the trio forms some sort of arboreal garage band.While I doubt they are much good, seeing as mountain lions tend to lack the appropriate vocal cords, human-like muscle control, and opposable thumbs required to sing and/or play an instrument, it appears as though they attract a fairly large forest following.

I attribute this to the fact that either A) they could eat any of those pathetic woodland creatures on a carnivorous whim (everyone knows how bipolar artists can be), or B) Purrcilla is but the slipping of a loose knot away from being totally and completely naked (though I myself am not into the whole 6 nipples thing, that seems to do it for some).

Following Rex around everywhere he goes is his homosexual friend (as evidenced by the lavender scarf...not that I make those kinds of judgments) Hector the Hummingbird. Hector is most obviously submissive (not because he is gay, you prejudiced ass, because he falls well below Rex on the food chain), doing Rex's bitch work almost happily. Since the animal world is still a few years from discovering things like modern electronics or telecommunications, Hector acts as Rex's personal messenger service. I do not even want to ask how he gets paid. I actually wouldn't be raising questions of his sexuality if this hadn't appeared on Hector's profile:

HOBBY: When not exploring with Rex, Hector can usually be found on a limb trying to catch the attention of a pretty love bird. 

Exploring what? Some say jungle, I say limits of their sexual appetites. Though the second clause seems to refute the suggestive nature of the first, it is widely known that Hector is a non-perching species of hummingbird, so the description of his flirtatious endeavors with love birds (gender notably unspecified) is typically ignored by the greater forest community as a feeble coverup. My desire simply is to see Hector embrace his true identity as a proud, gay hummingbird, nothing more.

I continued to poke around the site, discovering one delightful nugget after another. My favorite find would have to be the Children's National Preparedness Month song. Yes...a song...about preparedness...written by people with way too much time on their hands...in Oklahoma...of course in Oklahoma. The best stanza by far is this:

You need tools and food and water for 3 days.

Also, radio, flashlight batteries for your stay.

Grab you first aid kit and some clothes to wear.

Don't forget your underwear!

Oh, September is the month to get prepared.

Do not ask me to better describe how this song goes, because as far as I can tell there is absolutely no discernable meter or tempo. But also don't forget that this little ditty hails all the way from Oklahoma, proud birthplace of rusty pick-ups and small children with perpetually dirty faces, so that should be an answer in itself. Besides, I'm just caught up in the sheer audacity of these people including "intimate things" (you know, "unmentionables", "skivvies", "everyday lingerie") in the lyrics. The mere thought is enough to make someone as painfully polite as myself blush. However, I must say, I do enjoy a bit of private rebellion now and then, it makes me feel oh so naughty.

At the end of my magical safety journey, jam-packed with learning AND fun (a truly winning combination), I put my newly acquired knowledge to the test and took the grueling, eight-question-long Readiness U graduation exam...  

AND I PASSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have this neat certificate on hand that, in case of an emergency, I can burn to signal rescue workers.

This post was brought to you by the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, the numbers 9 and 11, and the letters W, T, and F.